How I Do It: ‘I’m polyamorous – monogamy would be lonely for me’

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Welcome to How I Do It, the bid successful which we springiness you a seven-day sneak peek into nan activity life of a stranger.

This week, we perceive from Kate Smurthwaite, a 47-year-old stand-up comedian and governmental activistic who’s consecutive and solo-polyamorous – meaning she doesn’t person a superior partner.

‘I person a batch of sex,’ she tells ‘I consciousness very fortunate successful that respect. I americium vaguely looking for a much regular boyfriend, personification I spot a mates of times a week and tin relax much with.

‘But my lifestyle, chaotic promiscuity and near-constant world recreation is not up for negotiation, truthful nan occupation is not for everyone. I americium successful nary hurry.’

Kate’s occupation necessitates her being connected nan roadworthy two-thirds of nan twelvemonth and she loves it – she travels for nosy erstwhile she tin too.

‘It would beryllium lonely if I was monogamous,’ she says, ‘both successful position of [having] nary activity life and successful position of really overmuch harder it is to meet group successful different ways.’

Kate says she meets 70% of her dates and hook-ups connected apps for illustration Feeld, Tinder, and Bumble.

‘I deliberation it’s nan champion measurement to meet people,’ she says. ‘In person, it’s awkward to inquire “You’re not a Tory aliases thing are you?”. On nan apps, you tin select for that, cheque them retired successful six different outfits and inquire immoderate questions earlier you see leaving nan house.’

Outside of nan apps, Kate besides meets group astatine parties aliases done friends.

‘One advantage of polyamory is that if a friend is making love personification I fancy,’ she explains, ‘they’ll connection to group maine up pinch them.

‘There are moreover words for it for illustration “compersion” (being happy that a partner is having a bully clip moreover though you’re not there) and “smorgy” (the smug emotion you get erstwhile you bring personification really hot, aliases sexually skillful, to an orgy).’

Without immoderate further ado, here’s really Kate sewage connected this week…

Warning: The pursuing is, arsenic you mightiness imagine, not safe for work.


After java pinch my champion mate, I’ve scheduled a day pinch Sam*. The upwind is unspeakable truthful we determine he will travel consecutive over. And since he’s doing that, I put connected immoderate fancy underwear, which I cognize he will appreciate.

I met Sam a twelvemonth agone astatine a activity party. Actually astatine 3 activity parties spaced retired owed to nan pandemic, but it was only astatine nan 3rd 1 that we yet sewage it on. Since then, erstwhile I americium successful nan UK, I spot him astir erstwhile a month.

The activity is ever unthinkable pinch Sam – nan champion activity is each astir communication, and we do that well. Nothing peculiarly depraved, conscionable aggravated and electric.

He jokes astir really quickly he tin region my 13-hook basque fixed his good centrifugal disability, and he likes my fingers moving on his back. He is peculiarly well-endowed, which presents a reasonable beingness challenge, but 1 for which I americium game.


I’m a spot sore still from yesterday. This is nan menopause successful action. Ten years agone would person been different. I’m nary little horny now, conscionable request a small much betterment time. My expert calls it “vaginal atrophy”, but I’m not comfortable pinch that benignant of language. I return a bully agelong soak successful nan bath and use immoderate oestrogen cream.

This evening is nan yearly comedian’s Christmas party. We person it successful nan caller twelvemonth because we are each moving astatine everyone else’s Christmas parties successful December.

I don’t mostly get progressive pinch colleagues for evident reasons and besides because comedians are a unusual bunch. Towards nan extremity of nan nighttime a adjacent friend, a Scottish comedian, tells maine he loves maine and we snog briefly. After I time off he snogs my cheery champion friend.


Just aft lunch, Dev* comes complete for a daytime quickie. I’ve known him for years – we met erstwhile he was my housemate’s (open relationship) boyfriend. Both nan housemate and nan narration person agelong since near nan building but erstwhile successful a while we flirt connected Instagram and this usually leads to a flying visit.

He specialises successful cunnilingus which is astir of what we do. It’s conscionable arsenic well, arsenic my menopausal vulva can’t grip overmuch more. He useful arsenic a photographer and ever gets immoderate bully videos of america that I cognize I will bask revisiting later erstwhile I’m travelling.

In nan evening, I person a show successful Cambridge which I would usually return arsenic an opportunity to sojourn a person who lives there. I person excessively overmuch packing to do earlier Friday however, truthful I return nan past train home.


I had a day planned coming pinch a regular partner but 1 who has had a batch of wellness problems precocious (and has a teenage kid too) truthful I americium not amazed erstwhile he cancels.

I’m sorry not to spot him earlier I time off and horny capable to see different options. I connection a feline I hooked up pinch a mates of weeks ago, but he has a dissertation deadline and it’s getting late, truthful I watch conscionable telly and get an early night.


It’s my past time successful nan UK for 2 and a half months truthful Taz* comes over. I only met him astir a period ago, but I’ve been seeing a batch of him and having a batch of sex. He has agelong acheronian hairsbreadth and location is thing madly intoxicating astir him.

He’s comparatively caller to being poly, and not that acold retired of his blimpish Muslim upbringing. He jokes that aft he first tried bacon, he thought ‘if it’s this good, really awesome must cheery activity be?’.

There’s thing awesome astir taking beautiful beautiful group to their first activity party, their first lipid party, and their first threesome. In nan period I’ve known him we’ve cracked done each 3 of those.

We spell retired for Thai nutrient and a stock batch of laughs. I’m going to miss him. He warns maine he is emotion a small tally down and mightiness not want excessively overmuch action. When we get backmost we determine to sleep, but he assures maine he is going to ‘bang my brains out’ successful nan morning.


In nan greeting Taz feels considerably worse, and it’s clear my brains aren’t going anywhere.

He does activity successful IT though, truthful he’s a awesome thief getting my visa documents and boarding passes printed.

He has a Zoom gathering from my furniture while I fry up meal (bacon of course) and we locomotion to nan position together.


One of nan existent joys of my on-the-road poly manner is nan opportunity to dip into different world erstwhile successful a while.

I’m travelling to Australia for activity and extremity disconnected en way successful Amman astatine 1:30am. Hamza*, a section Bedouin guy, is waiting for me. We met past summertime erstwhile I took a package circuit of Jordan. It was severely tally and frustrating, but I hooked up pinch him erstwhile we deed nan godforsaken astatine Wadi Rum, truthful each was not lost. He’s who I’m dropping backmost to see.

It takes a bully 4 hours for him to thrust america backmost to his village, and we are acold excessively tired for immoderate action by then. We drawback up decently successful nan morning. There are decidedly taste differences, and he thinks I americium alternatively outrageous, but then, successful fairness, I am.

He doesn’t object. And besides, I deliberation driving a 4×4 jeep astir nan godforsaken for nan remainder of nan time is beautiful wild.

Wadi Rum is wherever they filmed The Martian and I cognize successful a fewer days this small side-jaunt will consciousness for illustration a wholly different satellite for maine too. The champion point astir poly life is decidedly nan ‘intergalactic’ travel.

*Names person been changed.

How I Do It

In’s How I Do It you get a sneak peek into a week of a person’s activity and emotion life – from vanilla love-making to fetishes, threesomes and polyamorous relationships, they uncover it all.

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